Talking with Children About Death
My phone dinged. A note from my daughter’s kindergartner teacher waited in the class app. The note began friendly enough: “She’s doing well today … but…” And you know there’s always a but … “A few times this afternoon, she said she was sad because her aunt died when she was 2. We empathized, of course and allowed her some quiet time in the calm corner so she could just be sad.”
I stared at the message in bewilderment with 4 simultaneous thoughts:
#1: Thank God for teachers.
#2. Leave it to a pastor’s kid to talk about death on a Tuesday afternoon…
#3: All our aunts are still very much alive (if you’re reading this, aunts, we love you!)
#4: This’ll be an interesting evening….
At pick-up, I slowly tip-toed into the conversation. “Your teacher said you were sad today.”
“Yes,” my 6 year old said brightly, “I was sad today, because I was thinking about our aunt who died … But it wasn’t our aunt was it? Who died when I was 2?”
Suddenly, it all clicked in my brain, “Oh … it was our grandmothers, love.”
“That’s right,” she responded, “All yours and daddy’s grandmas died when I was 2.”
She said it so matter of factly; as if, she’d just been thinking about it and wanted to confirm.
She has the facts correct (except for the mix up of which relative is which). My husband and I had been very blessed to have 3 of our grandmothers live into their 90s (and into our late 30s). We lost all three in a 15 month span, when our daughter was about 2. Both of my grandmothers died in a 6 month span. My now 3.5 year old son never met any of his great-grandmas. Which his sister brings up often: “Brother, do you know that I met all our great-grandmas, but you didn’t because they died.”
No sensitivity here. Just facts stated.
It’s an interesting journey to watch (and help) my young children navigate understandings of death. In our household, we probably talk about death and funerals more than most. Having a parent who pastors means it’s in our regular conversations. Just a few weeks ago, I had to run out during family lunchtime to pray with a beloved woman as she made her journey to heaven. I planned her funeral on my cell phone while my kids played at our community pool. In our household, we live with the realities of death. Which means my kids ask about it and about our loved ones who have died.
We have mantra for talking about why people die. (I cannot give credit, but I know I heard it from a member of the young clergy women parenting facebook group).
We say: People die when they are really really old, or really really sick, or really really hurt.
This has helped my kids understand why we die, to accept it as a part of life, and also not be scared of death (… but to be a little scared so we don’t run out into the road). Our saying has led to conversations about what happens when we die. What might heaven be like? How can we remember our grandmas? Is it okay to still be sad 4 years after someone dies?
In addressing their questions, I talk about death as a mystery and that we don’t have all the answers. I’ve found the best course of action, when talking with children about death or anything difficult, is simply to be honest. Don’t feel like you need all the answers or special words to say. Your presence, yourself, and your honesty are more than enough for your kids. If you yourself still know don’t know, then say so. Name your feelings – saying you too are sad, or angry, or disappointed, or happy for the memories you shared. Naming your feelings gives your child permission to feel it too. If you aren’t sure what happens after death, then say so. It’s okay to not know. Say we believe ___ (and express your personal beliefs). Say we still wonder about ___ (and then tell them what you grapple with).
I sit with loved ones as they die and I still don’t fully understand the mysteries of life and death that lie tucked away in the mind of God. For the truth is: we aren’t meant to know … yet.
Here’s what I do know after sitting with beloveds as they speak to unseen angels in the room, say last words to loved ones, and peacefully (and not so peacefully) take their last earthly breath: In life and in death we belong to God. What I know is summarized in Paul’s words in Roman’s 8:38-39: “For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
And that’s what I tell my children.
I also keep talking about those who have died in our regular conversations, and we keep their pictures up in our house. This way we carry their memory and legacy with us.
Recently, while my family and I were driving down the shore, I mentioned something about my grandmother in our conversation. My daughter asked, “That’s your grandma who died? Then she turned to her brother and said, “You never met them, but I did.”
He said back just as matter of factly: “That’s not true. I meet them in my heart every day.”
We shouldn’t be scared to talk about difficult topics with our children, because our children just might have something to teach us.
Eliza C. Jaremko is a beloved child of God, Mom to Susannah and Simon, wife to Kyle, and Pastor to First Presbyterian Church in Haddon Heights, NJ. This piece was originally published on her blog.